Some couples choose to set up a joint bank account as soon as they decide they are in it for the long haul; some decide to keep their money separate for their entire lives.
Restocking bananas? Totally goes in the food budget. Getting your nails done? Probably not. For example, paying off debt is another major financial goal. If they have a ton of debt to pay down, you may have to decide that you are okay scrimping in certain spending areas to help them achieve that goal.
For that matter, combining finances or not comes down mainly to personal preference. You may feel like you need to protect yourselves by keeping your finances separate.
Others, however, might prefer setting up joint accounts to simplify things as much as possible. When you start having these conversations, of course, depends on you and your specific relationship, but many would argue that earlier is better than later. NEXT: How one couple saved their marriage by asking each other a simple question.
Want more tips like these? Sign up for our newsletter. I like this question because it's not strictly about money — it's about emotions and family and how we relate to the world, which seem like lofty subjects but can actually be easier to answer than, what's your investment strategy? It's also open-ended, and each person can take it in any direction they choose. That said, if you are hosting you don't want to commandeer the conversation. Yes, break the ice with a question or two that everyone can answer, but it's good to follow where your guests lead.
Assuming your guests are friends you feel comfortable around, it's not hard to keep the conversation going. Be sure to ask your guests if they have questions or topics they want to tackle.
And it's okay to talk about non-money subjects, too. Now that we've built a foundation of trust, at the next salon I might suggest that we discuss one core topic, like salary negotiation or how we all budget. Inevitably, it will lead to other discussions, but that's a good tactic to get people focused and talking.
You don't have to be a reporter to ask engaging follow-up questions. If one of your guests says something personal or touches on something that made you think differently, don't move on to the next topic.
Ask them for details about what they just said. That could be as simple as, "What makes you say that? Can you explain that a bit more? This might seem basic, but I find it is incredibly important, especially if your friends seem unsure or uncomfortable. You want to let them know you heard them, and that you are invested in what they are saying and their thoughts and feelings. Among my group of friends, the conversation flowed easy and, despite our different backgrounds, we found ourselves agreeing on and relating to each other on many topics.
The most polarizing topic was budgets and whether they actually work. I offered to share my spending and saving worksheet , while a few others acknowledged sticking to arbitrary budgeting figures just doesn't work for them. Often, we're advised to talk about money with friends for what could be considered selfish reasons: To learn about their investment strategy or how they asked for a raise, etc.
But what this Money Salon taught me was that each of my friends have anxieties and opinions and beliefs that I wasn't privy to before, simply because we hadn't set aside time to talk about this one huge subject.
As one friend pointed out, money touches every aspect of our lives, and is often a source of anxiety or stress, or, on the flip side, joy, or even pride. The so-called friendship wealth gap was most memorably depicted in the episode of Friends in which Phoebe, Rachel and Joey order side salads and tap water in an upmarket restaurant, before being asked by the rest of the group to split the bill equally.
The award-winning film Friends With Money chronicled the efforts of a maid, Olivia played by Jennifer Aniston , to keep up with her high-rolling friends. More recently, the friendship wealth gap is a plotline in the schlocky Netflix drama You, as an aspiring writer Guinevere Beck amasses credit card debt buying expensive presents and rounds of cocktails in Manhattan bars for her wealthy, dissolute girlfriends.
When the bill came, everyone decided to split it. Fortunately, a showboating member of the party decided to pay for the whole thing. But, despite his near miss, the evening left a sour taste in his mouth. University peers you shared noodles with in dingy flat-shares start frequenting expensive restaurants with their colleagues; school friends go on lavish holidays you cannot afford. As the wealth gap widens, once-solid relationships begin to buckle and cave under the pressure of all that is unsaid.
Many find it easier to let the relationship go, than confront the reality of the situation: that money is affecting their friendships. Platt put a holiday to Ibiza on her credit card, and bought new clothes for the trip using store credit.
When she maxed out all her credit, Platt turned to payday loans. Why do we find it so hard to talk about our finances? We squirm when asked how much we earn; we agree to split bills equally rather than endure the discomfort of admitting we would rather pay for what we had. Our squeamishness about money can be traced back to the Industrial Revolution, as Britain shifted from a land-based system of wealth to an economy run on movable capital.
A culture of manners emerged, as the upwardly mobile middle classes approximated aristocratic values by appearing uninterested in money — superficially, at least. We have not come so very far since then.
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